My best laid plans & moments of insanity

While i sit and write this, I look back things that have happened over the decade and how much was as per my plans when I started. The answer is surprisingly less, though I am not doing bad myself, I am trying to understand what made the difference.

In the first day in college my chairman asked me what do you want to do in life, my answer was "To start my own company"(I didn't know the word for that was 'entrepreneur'). It was during the golden days of no internet, surprisingly my first email was created during my 3rd year of college and we use to carry a pocket diary which has all the home phone numbers. Anyway, during my master's my prof asked the same question, the immediate answer was "Entrepreneur" in 5 years. It has been 8 years since i made that statement and I am still trying to change jobs. So exactly what happened, I lost myself in work and lost sight of my end objective, but does that means that am I doing bad? No, I am doing pretty good.

So examining my success it comes down to acts that I have done during my moments of insanity. First instance:

• Doing some crap stuff on the computer, in walks the senior manager, "How is testing going on, any new defects?". Hurriedly opened the database tool and app windows and saw some errors "Sir, i am checking the loading functionality it is not working so will let you know?", just to salvage the moment. He storms out and calls the developers to check it and voila a major defect which i stumbled upon. 

Second instance:

• Travelling in a train from Chennai to Bangalore, my boss calls and says our customer wants to come down here and do a new project, whom should I put as the lead. I volunteered to write the proposal and while doing so, realized I am sitting idle why don't I work on the new stuff. It turned to be the turning point for my entire career, both personally and professionally. 

So these random acts, defined or changed my professional career and the same thing on the personal aspect. I have done a lot of things while I am insane, due to which i have met the best peoples or my life. The plan was never to let go of them, but in the end, I lost all those best people due to acts that i did during my moments of insanity. Now whatever i do to rectify, things never change. 

People say success is due to acts of insanity, for me, I have failed as a personal due to moments of insanity. 

Life after 6 years

After a hectic day of looking at emails and cooking at home, I stumbled upon my old blog and realized that I am looking at it after 6 years and the last time I wrote a blog was May 2010.

Life has changed a lot in these 6 years, a lot of good things, bad things, realizations, hurt and what not, it has been a full package. But what made me to stop blogging or rather what made me to start writing again is what is going on in my mind. I think i started to write when i wanted to reinvent myself as a person and i believe right now i am trying to do the same thing. I also realized that this is one place where I can write what is in my mind and not worry about anything because it is not well followed ;).

I have been trying to get a good metaphor to summarize these 6 years and I am still struggling to find one. Interesting conversation that I saw somewhere quite summarizes everything:

Friend A: This is the last conversations that I want to have with you because you misused the freedom that I gave to you

Friend B: Sorry, Am I hearing it right, I misused the freedom. All I did was to try to reach out to you and I did what we used to do earlier

Friend A: Don't your understand, you are not giving me any space. You are, all over me

Friend B: (Confused on what needs to be said) So what do you want me to do.

Friend A: I want things like earlier, like old times.

Friend B: (Realization dawns, eureka, it means days when we were not friends) God bless you

This conversation which I heard made me realize, Never change yourself for anyone, because, at the end of the day they are not going to be with you when you loose yourself.

It is very painful when you have to gather the shattered pieces of your life and make a living out of it. But, when this happens often it turns to be fun and you relish the challenge. So after 6 years I am back to square one and reinventing myself and hopefully for the worst ;).

What is Next

It has been a long time since i wrote a post and i have been saying i have been very busy to write. Why was i so busy what did i achieve, just completed some projects for earning my bread and butter. But what about myself where do i stand (NOWHERE). Where do i go (NO IDEA). What will become of me (NO CLUE).

Well some people call this interesting and i wish i can share their enthusiasm. Life has taken me through peaks and troughs. I keep saying to myself lets sail it through, lets sail it through. And what a rollocoster ride it has been, so far.

If i say life is cruel it is cruel to me, if i say life is beautiful life is beautiful to me, but now i say life is nothing to me :) ....

Should we interfere in others life?

It’s a stupid question to ask right, we assume that we have the god given right to go into everybody’s life and give them advices on what to do and what not to do. Well I was of this category until now, till I realised that when my own house is not in order how can I advice others. To all those people who think its right to advice everybody on what to do and what not do, I just tell you this don’t you ever do this unless and until asked for.

Sangam – A phenomenon

It’s been almost been a year since I have been in college and I belong to a group called Sangam. People know me as a member of Sangam rather than by my name. Many people have asked us in the past “How come you guys came together?” Their question was weird, but looking a bit deeply into that they were right, all the members from our group don’t share the same ideas, we don’t stick together (we are together only during drinking parties). So for the benefit of all I will share to others who Sangam was formed.
It was the first week into college and we were attending our second marketing class. Me (Shrek), JK, AKS and Reddy where sitting in the second bench in the class, as usual AKS was cracking jokes and me and JK were having a tough time controlling our laughter. The prof. got irritated and started lamenting on how the standard of college was going down and obviously was referring to us. I didn’t know where to hide my face; I wished I would vanish from that place. AKS was unfretted by the lamenting and had a smiling face; jk and me were astonished by the calmness. After the heavy lecture about discipline and everything the prof. went back to his usual lecture about his wonderful idea about marketing. Then something happened which made me and jk jump out of our seats, AKS today “Lets celebrate our first disaster.” AKS me and JK had a spark of inspiration out the words “Sangalathula inthu yellam sadharnam appa” and was born SANGAM. In joined Reddy as the first person and later everybody joined in. We were the first official branded group that was formed in college and after this came other groups and gangs. We don’t have any rules and regulations in our group and many people and come and left, but the core members still stick together always. I am not going into detail about each member joined the group. The group members can write it in the comments section on how they joined . Long live the name of Sangam and all the members of it. A brief intro of everybody is given below
AKS – Arun kumar S – A cool freak, we still don’t know what can get him to be serious.
JK – Jayakanthan – A topper who cribs about everything in this world (Unfortunately I am at the receiving end)
Shrek – Sathish kumar – well not much you people know me already
PSK – Prasanna senthil Kumar – Well when he gets angry be sure you have your ears plugged.
Mighty – Prasanna M – The perfect guy expect that we cannot understand his English at times
Cypher – Deepak – He knows everything in the world and has some comment about everything
Pongavvai – Karthik – When we get bored he is person we use for making fun. Cool guy never gets tensed at anything.
AJ – Arul Jothi – A studious guy nothing more can summarize him better.
Jino – Satheesh Jino – The so called heart throb of BIM (Its strictly his claim)
Sollu – Naveen Sollu – I have already said enough about him in the previous blog
NG – Anand NG – Same as above 
Ra – Ramselvan – Ends up always parking his bike outside LH gate, we don’t have anything more to say
USA – MADHU – USA is not united states of America but Uzavar sandhai of Arupukottai
Bready – Vijay Reddy – Well Reddy where to start and where to end? I am lost

I am right, you are wrong?

“Why can’t you understand me, and why are you cribbing trying to prove you are always right?” I was shouting on the phone. I could hear an echo of the same words which I spoke on the receiver of my cell phone “No why don’t you understand that I am right and you are wrong” my friend was shouting back to me. It has become a routine now for me to be fighting with my friend on who is right and who is wrong. Though we patched up after 15 minutes of hot debate, I was contemplating what was happening for the past two months, “was I right and the other person wrong?” I got some time off from class today (bunked class) and sitting in my room alone and wondering what was going one. Then it stuck me that neither was I wrong nor was my friend wrong. We were so much into proving that each of were right that we forgot what the other person thought. I just reflected back at times I had this conversation of right and wrong with my parents, spouses and friends I realised what a jerk I had been all these days. Loosing loved and dear ones, I realised now, is a crime and I stand guilty of loosing some of my most dear friends.

I am good and the other person is bad? I am right and the other person is wrong? Is it really true that a person can be good or he can be bad? Well I am no phycologist or enlightened person to answer this question, but something I have realised is no person is bad (leave out the extreme cases though; I am talking about the persons whom you meet in daily). We categorize persons who are strict as bad persons and persons who are always cool as good persons. Is this really true? No both of them are good at heart their ways of expressing their feelings are different and when u accept it no person is bad. It just takes minute to loose someone just by proving you are right and he is a bad person. Take a minute to put yourself in the other persons shoes and you will realise neither is wrong in 90% of the cases.

Please don’t be misled that I am strict follower of this rule, to be honest I have never done this until now. Hopefully I will follow it in the future and will not loose any of my friends again and when given a chance to rectify my bullheadedness I will definitely change what has happened, but not all can be changed and I have my most valid possession gone in a moment of madness. Everything in life is a learning and hope this latest endeavour of mine will make me a better person.

OH la!!!! - I Cleared my Supplementary Exam …

I was waiting in the exam hall for the question paper it was my supplementary exam for CFI (Corporate finance). I could feel the hot July weather inside the exam hall (converted into class rooms when needed) though the AC’s were running at full blast. It was 10’ clock and the invigilator started distributing the question paper, he had a sinister smile on his face when he gave the question to me. I realised the reason for the sinister smile when I started reading the question paper, I knew none of the questions and obviously not the answers also. I thought “oh my god” I have lost another 300 rupees i.e. for the fees for the taking the supplementary exam later. I thought I will give my best at the exam and started writing something on the paper and I could realise that my phone was buzzing and I was searching for the phone inside my pockets and everybody was looking at me inside the exam hall, when I finally found the phone and tried to switch it off, I saw the faces of my friends in the exam hall vanishing and also face of the sinister invigilator. I was confused and then it struck me that it was a dream (or to put it aptly a nightmare) and phone buzzing was the alarm in the phone. I got of from the bed and it took me a minute to get my bearings back. I scrubbed my eyes and realised that I was sweating and there was no current in my hostel (thanks to the 4 hours power vacation announced by the Tamilnadu Government), I scanned my room for any life and I found a lifeless form lying in the bed next to my bed. It stuck me then that it was NG blissfully sleeping, unaware of the things happening around him with his mouth open.

Let me introduce my friend Anand NG fondly called by everybody as NG. He is one of our very good friends in college, a good person at heart and a very nice human being. He hails from Erode in TamilNadu and very good volleyball player (though beware he sleeps in the volleyball court when the match is on). Back to what happened that morning…

I stood from the bed and put my slippers and looked at NG with a smile on my face. He was not my roommate and slept in my roommate’s bed after am exhausting session of CF I supplementary exam preparation the previous night. Our preparation was simple just going through our staff slides for the nth time and two movies till late in the night and we call it night out preparation. It was 6.30 in the morning and we had more than 3.30 hours left before we had to take our exam. There were 4 of us myself, Anand, Sollu (Naveen sollu), Chottu (Gowdhaman) taking the exam with other people. I went to washbasin with the thoughts lingering on my mind how did I end up here after having 5 years of experience in 3 companies and completing my metallurgical engg. In REC (Trichy) now called as NIT. I washed my face and completed my morning chores and when I came back to my room it was 7 am. I thought I will wake my friend NG but he was still asleep with his mouth open. I checked my mails and went to the mess to have Tea and I could see some juniors already in campus, some with anxiety some at disbelief about the campus that we had. All were having an animated conversation in BIM street that the hostel road I live in, I walked with my 3/4^th pant and a round neck teashirt upto the mess looking at these people. I went to the mess had my tea and came back to the room still to find NG sleeping. I just started to wake him when I found that the floor was shaking and I heard a familiar sound calling me “Bava” I turned to look at the familiar face it was Sollu another of my friend from Vijaywada. He would torcher us by speaking in Tamil and an excellent sportsman ( as complimented by Nilaa’s father though we disagree) . His favourite statement in the ground is “SAMA WHITE(WEIGHT) MACHI”. He was dressed up in the customary blue jeans and teashirt. “NG hasn’t woken up?” he asked me with a frown in his face. I got irritated and said “Cant to see that yourself”. I went to my chair leaving the Herculean task of waking up NG to sollu. After a lot of struggle he managed to stir NG and after some more coaxing NG woke up, he had a familiar expression in his face “Where am I?” He stood from his bed and went to his room to dress up for the exam. Then a realization stuck me I had to spend the next 1 and half an hour with sollu in my room alone. While these thoughts were running in my mind a voice interrupted me “BAVA what to read for the exam? Have you finished reading? Will the exam be easy? Will we pass?” So many questions aimed at me, it took a second for me to grasp it and I got irritated since it was the nth time he was asking these questions to me. I told him “You will pass if you write something and if you keep pestering me then you will get year back.” Sollu was shocked at my rudeness and I felt sorry for him since he was a nice person. I went to get dressed and got back to see sollu using my laptop for revising and in came Chottu (Gowdhman). Chottu hails from the international city of Atyamppati near Salem we still haven’t seen that place though we have scoured thousands of google images and maps of Tamilnadu in the internet. Chottu said to sollu “Dai why did you leave me and come?” sollu replied “Sorry machi you were sleeping when I came to you room.” I left the two love birds to figure out about their small love fight. Then started the same old task of looking at the PPT’s for last minute preparation. It was 9:30 and I was shouting to sollu “Yenga da andha nadhari NG?” ( Where is anand) as to answer my question in came NG with stupid smile on his face and vibuthi (ash) on his forehead. “Nee vibuthi yellam vachialum unaku suppli thaan da naadri” I told him. NG replied “Don’t worry I have kept a safety stock of 300 rupees for the suppli fees”.

It was 9:45, I took my enticer bike and went to college with NG hugging my back. We entered the college and found my people with beads of sweat on their face waiting outside the exam hall. When we enquired we found that the revaluation results were out and everybody was anxiously waiting for it. Out came the examination controller from his cozy AC room. He faced up and took out a sheet of paper from his pocket, it looked like a tissue paper and he held it close to his face. We thought he was going to sneeze and we stepped back in reflex. To our surprise he started reading names from the tissue paper and then only we realized that it was not a tissue paper but “THE” paper which had a names of those who passed and those who failed. I thought “Hmmm we pay 5 lakhs as fees and our fate is being decided by a bit of crumpled paper”, the crumpled paper broke my heart. The first name which came out of the persons mouth was “Yarru pa Anand NG” NG stepped up to face him and the examination controller (EC) said “Nee clear” I could sense joy erupting out of my NG face. I was waiting anxiously for the next name and out came the name “Arunkumar S” I took a minute for me to realise that my name is being called and I could see NG, sollu, chottu thrusting their hands towards me to congratulate me. OMG – I Cleared CF I !!!!!!!!!!!!!! the feeling was I had won a million dollar lottery (Eventually we then got to know that revaluation was really a lottery system. Though sollu chottu didn’t clear it they wrote the exam and cleared it in that attempt, as for me since I had 5 D’s I had to take up that exam and eventually I cleared it in that attempt).